Day 22:
I’ve been waking up lighter these past few days. Waking up and not hating life feels like a minor miracle. But instead of riding that wave into structure, I keep diving straight into the fun.
The second my eyes open, I want to decorate. I want to post to Shadow & Lux(e). I want to write. Basically, I want to skip every “boring” step and go straight to the creative part of being alive.
Which sounds whimsical until you realize it means skipping breakfast, skipping Pilates, skipping supplements, and staying in my robe until noon. Not exactly the Future Jenli aesthetic.
This morning was peak example. The cats were curled up in the library nook, pure fall perfection. I grabbed my new black cat cup, pulled a few pumpkins into frame, and styled like my life depended on it. Cozy, cinematic, post-worthy.
Except the behind-the-scenes looked more like: vitamins on the counter gathering dust, me running on coffee fumes, and a body that didn’t get actual fuel until lunchtime.
It’s not that I don’t want structure. It’s that I’m afraid structure will break the spell. Like if I pause to eat, the magic will sneak out the back door and never come back.
But here’s the truth I keep circling: a spark without a system is just a fire hazard. Right now I’m lighting matches and wondering why it smells like smoke.
So maybe the problem isn’t the spark. Maybe the problem is that I haven’t built a container strong enough to hold it.
Future Me still makes little fall scenes. She just eats first. She gets ready in six minutes flat. She rolls out the mat while the reel is rendering. She builds her rhythm around the spark so it doesn’t burn her down.
The cats are committed to their roles—sleeping through it all like seasoned actors. My robe is equally committed, whispering, “Don’t bother with waistbands, we’re artists.” But Future Jenli is done letting cats and robes run the show.
Because I want both.
The spark and the system.
The magic and the momentum.
And if anyone has cracked that code—please, tell me everything.
See you tomorrow.
(Unless I delete the internet and move into the woods.)
—Jenli
“Trying to become the main character without losing my mind.”